[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
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Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”