Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
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Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there