There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]