if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
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I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.