New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals