Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
You Might Also Like
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
White parent Vs Arab parents
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
i’m still crying at this
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me