What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
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Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now