Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
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HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?