*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
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Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Finally
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Just had my nails done!