Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
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Basically.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.