After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Y’all ready for this
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!