[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
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I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
some things should go without saying
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Well, that didn’t work.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point