her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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a lot to unpack here
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine