I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
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Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.