{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)