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What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before