What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
nyc:
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.