Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
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Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.