Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore