The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
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how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺