My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
You Might Also Like
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.