Happy Caturday!
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*