[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
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Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
some cats are just doing for fun!
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.