The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
You Might Also Like
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I wish I could veto my bills.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice