Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
how to exercise your calf muscles
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Stop sending me this shit.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.