I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
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All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific