I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
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Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.