You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
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The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.