You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
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I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.