The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today