“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
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Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.