I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
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THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Y’all know who you are.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Hey i am sexy to you now