[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
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*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
This bar smells like my childhood.