Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
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My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).