The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
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oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting