WHO DID THIS?
You Might Also Like
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple āas long as itās not the pineapple kind of pineapple.ā Weāve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked š š¤£š
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Iāll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid āKeep calm andā things in their tracks
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I canāt remember if Iāve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Iām just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” ā The first guy who ever milked a cow.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV