*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
is this meant to deter me
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming