[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
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Me irl
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Pickled cat.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Ok but actually
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.