[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.