I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
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My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.