I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
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How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
become ungovernable
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them