Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.