CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
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My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
This kid is going places
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh