A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
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*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!