Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized