Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk