Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
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my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey