After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
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T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem