hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
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🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you