ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
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Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk